Saturday, May 7

Past Lives and Panic Attacks

When I was in junior high, I was lynched by my fellow students. We can quibble about the term since the event did not end in a hanging, but it was a lynch mob all the same. I was never popular in school. I am not someone who modifies their behavior to make others happy. You will either like me, or you will not, and if you mistreat me because you don't like me, then I will go all the more out of my way to be true to myself and my ideals. Everything I am is in opposition to the worst of what I see in others. I am all I have in the world that is dependable.

I could have become such a monster if I had let them make me one...

They followed me, spitting on me, calling me names, throwing garbage and debris at me because I was different. Because I was a non-conformist. Because I didn't need them to define who I was. I suppose we're all just lucky I didn't run out in traffic and get myself killed, or I'm lucky. You're just reading this and shaking your head.

The principal, a man who was as tall as he was wide, ran huffing and puffing the two blocks to break the crowd up. And that was the end of it. The police came to school the following day. The guilty parties were called to the office... and absolutely nothing happened to them. The people responsible denied they had been there. The principal wrung his hands and confirmed nothing, and these people who hurt me just... got away with it because they had money and I didn't. Because despite being at the "event," the principal refused to speak the truth about what had happened for fear of reprisal.

They broke me. I was agoraphobic for years and am still extremely uncomfortable in a crowd. If I go to a movie, I must sit at the very back so no one can sneak up on me. I do not sit with my back to a window or door, and doors and even windows must be closed and locked where applicable. To this day I get panic attacks for absolutely no reason at all. It's very annoying, especially when I am trying to sleep (had five of them last night as I was trying to nap before work... probably stress related to my niece and the teddy bear.)

The only positive thing that came from the "event," was that I started remembering some of my past lives.... most of which I ended up murdered in. Imagine that. /obligatory eye-roll/ Seriously, I'm sick of it. I figure, if I'm going to get murdered in every frikkin life (not quite, but most), this time I'm going to get murdered for a reason and not because someone wants to pick my pocket (actually happened). So here I am, standing up to the biggest bully around by reaching out to people who are being haunted and hunted by Him.

Don't think I'm grandstanding here by saying I remember ten past lives which span a couple thousand years. They weren't glamorous, and I wasn't anyone of any historical significance. At the time, I didn't see these memories as a blessing either. They were added trauma on top of the trauma of being violently rejected by my peers, but now that I am older and can look at them objectively, they served to give me a broader sense of self and saved me from fracturing any further emotionally than I already had. I suppose they let me see how much worse things could have been.

The next few posts, barring any outside events, will explain some of my past lives and why when SM came for me at 15, He was a little late to the party.


  1. It's weird how our experiences cross and how alike we are. It's true, though, when something is bad it can only get worse. There is always potential for it to be worse than what it was. Fighting for something of reason, that you believe in and find worth in is the best option you have. Let's hope it doesn't end up like those past lives, yes? You've got plenty of people supporting you, not to mention we are all watching each other's backs. I do not believe death will befall you quite so easily this time around, should it even try to befall you in the first place.

    I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future. Please do keep us updated with E-Bear as well.

  2. I am very sorry if something like this happened to you, Shady. I wouldn't wish this kind of thing on my worst enemy. When I think of the kind of person this could have made me, I am extremely grateful for my obstinate nature. Otherwise, I might have become a serial killer or, as we now know, something even worse. o.O

  3. Outside of school I remember being attacked, when I was with a girl I knew. Some of them were from my school, most were not. Friends of friends, you know. As for the other things, because I and some others were "lesser" or different they reacted along the same lines.

    Eh... I came borderline to becoming a murderer, lucky for me (more-so them) I was too attached to my isolation and bed to act on it. -_-

    But hey, the past, it makes us what we are, eh?

  4. I can definitely agree with that. In so far as I like myself, everything that has gone before has been worth it.

  5. You were stronger than me then. You fought to be yourself, despite everything. I can't claim that, unfortunately. I just wanted to be invisible... and I wanted to make every one of them pay. I'm glad you were able to keep your mind about you, despite the depression.