Gone Fishing

To say that I am upset by the past few days would be an understatement. And worse, I feel like I am watching events unfold without having any control over how they play out. I should have taken Ron aside long before things came to this. I KNEW there was something wrong, but I thought he was just overprotective of Trina and mistrustful of us. I thought if I gave him time, he would come to trust us. I was worried that if I tried to stick my nose into things before I was welcome, I would only further alienate him.

Shady blames herself for Ron's death because she watched it happen, but I feel responsible for not trying harder to win him over.

Tim, I think, is a good influence on Trina. He's cautious of us and solicitous of her comfort, but I don't get the uneasy feeling from him that I did from Ron. He isn't anything more (or less) than he appears to be, for which I'm grateful.

I'm an empath, dammit. I should know better. I should have trusted my instincts. The whole thing with my family... They've made me second guess myself my entire life. I mean, they were my family, ergo they were supposed to love me, but I never felt any love from them and barely any tolerance.

I can't tell you how many years I thought I was crazy for feeling everything around me, for knowing my family didn't love me. I mean, they never abused me physically and only my sister intentionally said things to hurt me. Yet they crippled me so easily. I ran around constantly worrying about their comfort and their regard for me that I was half-neurotic with self-doubt. But at the same time, I had... I HAVE confidence in sensing the emotions of the trees, the land, the genii loci- the spirits of this place. I communicate with them and feel their response. If I had been paying half as much attention to what the people around me were feeling, I would have known Ron felt only malice towards us. We could have talked it out... maybe. I don't know any more.

I know where this schism occurred... it happened when I was still in jr high school, and I realized NO ONE else felt the things I felt, that everyone was head-blind but me. And I felt ashamed. I was ashamed of invading other people's privacy, even accidentally, and I started avoiding or outright ignoring my instincts in that regard. I've always known when people lied to me, and I blocked it out. I've always known when people meant me harm or dislike me, but I ignored it.

Empathy is like swimming in a lake full of every kind of fish. Catch as many as you like; it only tells part of the story. There are so many more beneath the surface and you could drown before you plumbed the depths of a single person. But if you look for the largest and strongest fish, you know that these are the ones the person feeds more than the others. These are what motivate their actions.

Ron had one redeeming emotion and that was a bright and shining love for his sister that danced near the surface of his thoughts at all times. The only other fish he fed stayed deep down in the depths of his soul.

Maybe I should have gone fishing.