Misery loves company

But that's not my name, and I don't love company... at least not my entire family camped in my house. It's a constant bombardment of negative emotions that make me want to run away. I did try to run away, twice, when I was a kid. The first time I filled up my Red Ryder wagon with all my worldly possessions, intent upon escaping to the mountains. I didn't make it very far. The second time I planned things better, taught myself about foraging and living off the land, gathered my supplies, slowly and in secret, planning again to escape to the mountains. And then Slendy came and mucked around in my head. After I got angry, I didn't think about running away any more. I only thought of how I could make everyone sorry for not loving me.

I'm glad I out grew that, but it doesn't mean I am loved. I've never been loved. I have waited my entire life to feel loved and despite all I give, despite my patience and care... my family treats me like a pariah. They are staying in my house, eating my food, and yet I am not doing enough for them. I am a vegetarian and they complain about the lack of meat. They complain about the lack of space. They just.... complain. I have never asked for anything from anyone, my unwillingness to impose is almost pathological, but they still consider me a burden. Despite my lack of interest in money, I am the one they go to when they need to borrow. And I already mentioned my sister made me PAY to borrow her car.

Even my mother has never really loved me. I was a reminder of all the poor choices she made that caused her to marry my father. She has some affection for me, but she secretly resents me and always has. She has never sacrificed for me as she does for the others, never gone out of her way to assure herself that I was happy. My great grandmother outright abused me as a child and then would tell my mother all the "horrible things" I had done while she babysat me. All because as first born, I reminded her of my father. She died in a Alzheimer fugue, so I couldn't exactly hate her at the end, but she did a lot to scar me emotionally. Who then, in my life, have I ever had to look up to? All I can say is that it's a good thing I read, or I'd never have been exposed to the kinder sentiments.

There has literally been no one in my life ever who cared. Not family, not friends when I was a child... no one. And while my family might mourn me if I dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow, as it's the civilized thing to do, they wouldn't miss me. No one would.

I've seen the Shadowchild in the house. She bolted into a corner when she noticed me and disappeared into the shadows there like she was a part of them. I don't think she's a proxy. I don't know what she is, but I think my niece is safe with her...

So why I am even here?