Monday, February 28

#6 Suicidal

I was never the kind of person to... inflict myself on others. I had no friends, didn't have anything in common with my family. But I was adrift, ungrounded, I was desperate for human contact. I was screaming and no one could hear me. I wanted to shake people and ask them why they couldn't hear me when I heard everything that went on in their hearts.

I had more in common with trees than I did with my fellow human beings, and long experience had taught me that my words were unwanted and my needs were unwelcome.

The idea that I might leave behind a body which someone else would have to deal with made me cringe with shame. Pills? No. Cut my wrists? No. But throwing myself into a quarry... that was a very real possibility and that scared me because I could see myself doing it. No one would find my body, at least not while it was still gooey, and so no one would have to clean up after me.

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